I often think where do my beliefs come from, are they even mine, or are they someone else. I am not just talking about religious or spiritual beliefs, I am talking about beliefs systems about money, love, friendships, relationships, and everything else in between, Why do I think this is something that needs to be talked about, well if I look at myself I have always had a poor belief system about my body. Until I changed it.
When I was young, I remember my mother telling me how fat I was and that I would never be able to play sports, get a girlfriend, or have properly fitting clothing. I had nicknames like a tank, fire hydrant, and brick shit house in sports. The one moment that brought it all together was when I was getting changed in my parent’s laundry room and my mother told me I had bigger breasts than her, what I chose to believe at that moment was how can I love my body and how could someone else love me if my mother didn’t love me just how I looked.
I chose at that moment I needed to change this, I remember saying to myself fuck this I am not viewing myself like this forever. So from a young age I knew somehow I had the power of choice, I could choose to believe what I wanted about myself( not what others told me to believe) and make that happen, now I am not talking about closing my eyes and saying I am fit and then eating a cake, I would close my eyes, and focus on what I wanted then go after it.
How, well first I needed a bike so I kept on my dad to buy me a bicycle, he didn’t right away I just kept using his until I broke it and whoosh the universe provided a bike, then I started biking to school once the snow was gone, around 13 km a day five days a week and then when it was summer I started cutting lawns so off I went 13 km a day biking to go cut lawns, I was so happy with myself and felt great about how I was feeling, I believed I could do it, I believed in myself not in others view of me, I didn’t wait for someone to tell me what to do I just went out and did it, now was I a skinny kid and adult not by others standards but by mine I was doing pretty good and I actually liked myself.
It wasn’t till later in my life that I realized I was using my mindset and I could change it, I could pick a different feeling or picture in my mind, do I do this all the time and sit on a pink cloud, fuck no, I still slip back into poor habits and poor view of myself, the difference is I know I don’t have to stay there, I can change it if I want to.